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It’s Sunday, and I’m doing what I always do on Sundays, namely reading the newspapers. Like most people, I skip the adverts, and rarely does one ever catch my eye. But today is different, and it’s all my girlfriend’s fault. ‘We need a bigger car, one where we don’t have to take the pram apart every time we need to take it with us.’ ‘Sounds like we need a people carrier,’ I reply, sighing mentally. I’ve never seen a people carrier I like. And just as my girlfriend repeats that we really do need a bigger car, my eye falls upon a picture of an aesthetically pleasing people carrier in my Sunday newspaper. It’s a fullpage advert with a freephone number in large print next to the words: Call today and reserve your car for a test drive. I tear the advert out and resolve to phone them from my office the next day.

‘Welcome to AutoVan. My name is Cerutti. How may I help you?’

‘Hello. I read your advertisement and would like some information about the new VanXL.’

‘What would you like to know, sir?’

‘How much does it cost, how long are delivery times and where is my nearest dealer?’

‘One moment, please.’ (We all know a moment can last an eternity, and in my case it’s a full three minutes.)

‘I’m sorry, sir. This is the call centre in Italy. All I can tell you is that prices start from about 20,000 euros. I’m afraid I don’t have any other details.’

‘Could you at least send me a brochure?’

‘What, from Italy?’

I consult the phone directory on my computer and get the numbers of three AutoVan dealers in my area. I phone all three and ask them to send me sales literature, as I am thinking of buying a car from them. Two of them never send me anything, let alone call me back.

‘Darling, is our economy in recession or is it booming?’ ‘Why do you ask?’ ‘Oh, no particular reason.’

Three days later, I find the brochures from the third dealer in my letterbox. Wow, I think as I skim through them. The Italians really know how to appeal to the emotions, especially when it comes to cars. On the last page, I find the following text: ‘The green number – one number is all you need for our extensive range of services.’ The number given is that of the call centre I phoned days before. Exactly the same number as in the advert. Oh well, things like that happen, I think.

The brochure also says in bold print that I should test-drive the VanXL before I buy. ‘We will bring the VanXL to your home, provided you live not more than 50 kilometres from your registered dealer. On arrangement, you can test-drive the VanXL for a whole weekend.’

Great, I think, and phone the dealer, full of anticipation about getting my test drive at last. ‘Er... I’m only a grade B dealer, and I don’t have a VanXL here [although the advert said the van is available immediately from your AutoVan dealer]. But I can give you the number of a grade A dealer. I know he has one,’ the voice on the phone tells me. Ok, who cares, grade A or grade B, I just want to see this car. When I finally get hold of the grade A dealer, he is quite rude: ‘Why should I let you test-drive a VanXL for a whole weekend? Do you think I’m stupid, or what?’ Dear reader, read on to the end of this story and you will see just how stupid he really is.

‘Because it says so on the last page of the official brochure,’ I reply and, just to make sure I haven’t got it wrong: ‘You are an authorized AutoVan dealer?’

‘I don’t care what it says in the brochure. The people who write the brochures don’t run car showrooms. They have no idea what it’s like in the front line or what problems we dealers face.’

‘So you don’t want to sell me a VanXL then?’

‘Look, you’re perfectly welcome to come to our showrooms and take a look at the VanXL here. If you like it, you can buy it. If you don’t, then don’t. It’s as simple as that. The people that are always screaming to test-drive cars hardly ever buy them anyway, in my experience.’

‘How much does the Van cost?’ I ask, afraid that he’s about to hang up on me.

‘About 35,000 euros, depending what extras you want.’ Should I be surprised that the only information the call centre could give me was wrong?

I don’t have to put up with this, I think, and call the national marketing manager for AutoVan.

‘We know we’re having a few problems and, as you are perhaps aware, AutoVan has been struggling with a negative image for some time.’ That was his answer.

‘And, speaking as a potential customer, I can assure you that you have convinced me of that’ was mine!

Amazingly good!

There is another way, as a car salesman in Austria proved. I expressed an interest in a family car in his showrooms. After giving me a friendly and brief run-down of the most important points, he handed me the keys and said: ‘You won’t know if it’s the right car for you until you drive it.’ We arranged that I would bring the car back in one hour. When I returned, I found my own car waiting for me, freshly washed. ‘All part of the service,’ he assured me.

A good friend was taking a short holiday in his sports car when, after only 80 kilometres, he noticed that there was something wrong. He took a room in a hotel, contacted the national office of the automobile company and described his problem to a mechanic. The mechanic made a note of the address and the registration number of the car, asked the customer to leave his keys at the hotel reception desk and said: ‘I think you must be mistaken. Our cars don’t break down.’

Angry because he still hadn’t heard from the garage next morning, the customer phoned them again and complained. The mechanic said: ‘Like I told you yesterday, our sports cars don’t have that problem!’ When my friend looked in the hotel garage, he found that his car had been repaired and also waxed and polished. The hotel management told him that two mechanics had driven over 100 kilometres to fix the problem overnight.

Another car dealer takes a digital photograph of every proud new owner of a car. Once he has familiarized his customers with all the details of their new car and handed it over to them, he also presents them with the picture, which has been framed in the meantime.

Recently, a colleague told me that he bought a car and, three hours later, received a text message with the following words: ‘Dear Mr Amrein, we wish you a lot of fun with your new car and safe journeys! Your Soltermann Garage team.’

Another car dealer gives all customers who buy a car from him a bouquet of flowers, which he places on the passenger seat when they collect their new car.