|
‘Name?’ ‘Kinderman. I booked a table two weeks ago,’ I tell the
head waiter, who is disguised as the perfect officer and
gentleman. He clicks the nib of his cheap plastic biro in and
out as he scans the pages of illegible entries in his thick reservations
book in search of my name. I would have preferred to
be greeted with a ‘Welcome’ or, ‘Good evening, madam, sir.’
After all, tonight is not just any old night. Tonight I’m taking
the woman of my dreams out. But it doesn’t look as though it’s
going to be a dream evening.
Once the other guests have had ample opportunity to give us
the once-over, the head waiter finally manages to read his own
handwriting, leads us to our table and immediately presents us
with two bulky menus. ‘The wine list’ he adds and places this
five-page Bible on my side of the table.
Just as I am starting a conversation with my companion, a
nervous-looking young man appears at our table and asks,
‘Bread?’ Once we have each selected one of the 13 different
sorts of bread available, I want to resume our conversation, but
I can’t for the life of me remember what it was I had been
about to ask my girlfriend. We have just begun to chat about
something else when the officer and gentleman turns up at our
table again. His eyes firmly fixed on the pad in his hand, he
scribbles something (probably our table number), then raises
his gaze and peers at us over the edge of his glasses, though it
looks more like he is raising his eyebrows, and asks, ‘Are you
ready to order?’ Of course we are neither ready to order nor
are we feeling very much at ease. Some strange sort of stress
transference is taking place. People keep approaching our
table with new offers: ‘Mineral water?’ ‘Butter?’ ‘Have we taken
your order?’ It seems impossible that we are ever going to be
able to have a private conversation.
‘Why do you keep whispering?’ ‘I don’t know,’ I whisper
back. What I do know, on the other hand, is exactly what is
going to happen in the next few minutes. I know with absolute
certainty that a waiter is going to approach our table with two
plates of appetizers we have not ordered and present them with
the words: ‘With the compliments of the chef!’ In such restaurants,
I always bet with my colleagues that this will happen, and
believe me, I always win! Someone must have invented the
phrase, and as they are so innovative in the catering business, it
is shamelessly copied all over the country.
‘How would you like your tournedos, sir?’ the waiter asks
automatically when I order my main course. But no one asked
me whether I would like the lamb carpaccio on mustard shoots
that are presented ‘with the compliments of the chef’. As I look
around the restaurant, I see a mixture of guests – businesspeople,
families, couples – but they all receive exactly the same
treatment, although I would have thought that their requirements
could not have been more different.
Exasperated when the waiter nips my declaration of love in
the bud for the third time, I ask for the bill and spend more
time waiting for and paying it than we have taken to eat our
entire meal. We get into my car, deposit the menthol sweets
they brought with the bill in the ashtray and drive home. No
one disturbs us by playing a lacklustre version of ‘New York,
New York’ for the second time, no one interrupts us to inquire
‘Dessert?’ A soft ‘ding-dong’ tells me that the frozen raspberries
in the microwave are defrosted. And the two of us stand in
the kitchen enjoying our vanilla ice cream with warm raspberries.
And suddenly I remember what it was I had been going to
ask the love of my life three hours previously.
Amazingly good!
In a Zurich restaurant, guests are asked when they book a table,
‘How much time do you have for your lunch?’ The waiter then
guarantees that they will get the bill on time and won’t have to
wait another 20 minutes. This is particularly helpful for businesspeople
who don’t have much time to spare.
At a US restaurant chain, you can place a sign on the table
signifying that you are ready for the next course or would like
the bill.
Another restaurant confirms bookings via SMS: ‘We look
forward to welcoming you as our guest this evening. We have
reserved a table for four for you at 8 pm.’
‘A table for two for breakfast, please,’ I requested when I
checked in at my hotel. When the waiter showed us to our table
the next morning, we found a card that read: ‘We have the
pleasure of reserving this table for Julio Kinderman and Ralph
Hubacher, two gentlemen who know that a successful day
begins with a good breakfast.’
In the United States, I met a very special waiter. He has
noticed that many of the coats that the guests hand to him have
torn hang loops. Whenever he can spare the time, he has taken
to sewing these loops back on with thread of the appropriate
colour. Not everyone notices, but those guests who do tell
others about it. What exceptional service!
I could hardly believe my eyes when I walked onto the
terrace of a restaurant in the mountains and found a set of
binoculars on every table. The manager approached our table
and said: ‘Please do feel free to enjoy our breathtaking view.
On your tablemats, you will find a map of the whole region to
help you identify the landmarks you can see.’
A restaurant in Honolulu catering mainly to businesspeople
has special white paper tablecloths on which guests can take
notes over their lunch and then take them back to the office.
This would be a great idea for family restaurants, too.
A restaurant in Cologne offers its customers a time guarantee:
if the lunchtime meal they order is not on the table in 15
minutes, the guests get their meal free of charge. | 
Disclaimer
