We hope you have enjoyed flying with us

‘Flight LJ is now ready for boarding,’ the smartly dressed female airline employee croaks into the microphone. You can tell who is not a frequent flyer; they are the ones who all immediately jump up. Those who fly regularly remain calmly in their seats and carry on reading their newspapers. After all, they are flying Business Class, or even First Class. Nowhere will you find clearer evidence of a two-class society than when you fly. For some, flying is an exciting experience, for others tedious routine.

I am one of the latter group, a frequent flyer, and I can tell you that it really is no picnic. The only unpredictable element of a flight is whether you will ever actually reach your destination. Everything else is utterly and boringly predictable. Every part of the procedure and every announcement made by the captain is the same all over the world. Sometimes, I couldn’t even say which airline I am flying with; they all look the same.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on board our Flight LJ to Miami. We will be taking off in just a few minutes. Our estimated flight time is approximately…’. There’s no need to hear the rest, we’ve all heard it so many times before. Why, I ask myself, doesn’t an AUA captain greet his passengers with the traditional Austrian ‘Grüß Gott’ and a Swissair captain with ‘Grüezi’? Why don’t the airlines make more of the typical differences between countries?

For example:

Our flight to Miami will take 8 hours and 15 minutes. After going through Immigration, you can take a taxi to your hotel, where you can go for a swim in the sea, which has a temperature of 24 degrees Centigrade. The sun is shining and it is 28 degrees Centigrade in the shade. To get you in the mood, we will now be showing a Hollywood movie that was filmed in Miami. Relax and enjoy your flight, the food and the friendly service.

But no, on more than 200 flights, I have never heard anything like this. It would be nice to have a change, wouldn’t it? But instead of individualized announcements that really grab your attention, we get the same standard, hackneyed phrases every time. And instead of a dish typical of the country we are flying to, we get turkey breast with rice and broccoli yet again.

‘Our cabin staff will now demonstrate the safety procedures.’ It amazes me that in so many years, no one has come up with a way to solve this serious problem. Rarely will more than 20 per cent of the passengers actively watch while the flight attendants rattle off this important information as though they are desperate to go to the toilet. And if the teachers won’t learn, neither will the students.

The man in seat 7a has taken refuge behind his business broadsheet while the cabin staff go through the motions of demonstrating the safety procedures. He has probably seen and heard it all umpteen times before. I wonder what would happen if the stewardess handed him a lifejacket and said: ‘You look like someone who has flown a lot, sir. Why don’t you demonstrate the use of a lifejacket for us?’ Wow, that would really make everyone sit up and take notice! He probably wouldn’t be able to remember how to do it, but at least it would be an experience he wouldn’t forget in a hurry.

It’s like with a fire extinguisher: you won’t learn how to use it by looking at it. Nevertheless, I can’t see the service offered by the world’s airlines changing at any time in the foreseeable future. It will most likely remain the same as ever: predictable, correct, but infinitely boring. ‘We hope you have enjoyed flying with us,’ the captain says.

Nothing against hoping, but knowing would be better.

Amazingly good!

In the 1980s, one US airline had its captains introduce every safety demonstration with the following announcement:

‘Ladies and gentlemen, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only six exits from this airplane. With this in mind, please pay close attention to the following safety demonstration.’

Here’s another example from the United States. One airline there had the clever idea of playing songs on the subject of flying in their in-flight programme. These songs included:

‘In the Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins

‘Love is in the Air’ by John Paul Young

‘Flying’ by the Beatles

‘The Airport Song’ by the Byrds

‘Off the Ground’ by Paul McCartney

‘Walking in the Air’ by Howard Blake

‘Spread your Wings’ by Queen, and many more.

At one airport in Canada, passengers can listen to information about the city while they are waiting for their suitcases at the Luggage Claim.