The smallest room: a horror scenario

What do you do when you need a toilet and you are not at home? Of course you can dive into a hotel or a restaurant, but somehow that often makes me feel like a parasite. I’m afraid the head waiter is going to throw me out with the words: ‘Our washrooms are only for our paying guests, sir!’ In most places, they simply don’t appreciate how problematic a full bladder can be.

So, if like me, you don’t fancy trying to sneak into a hotel or restaurant unnoticed, your only alternative will be public conveniences. The first problem is that you can never find one when you need it, and then, if you have managed to find one, the chances are that it will be in a disgusting state. I always thank my lucky stars that I’m a man and try not to think what it must be like to be a woman and have to use a public toilet. You think I’m making a fuss about nothing? There has been in-depth research into this subject, as the following data show. On average, women use the toilet five times a day, men only three times. Women, however, spend an average of 18 minutes every day in the toilet, men only 15 minutes. On each visit, men spend an average of 5 minutes, women only 3.6 minutes. If you take into consideration the fact that the average life expectancy for a woman is 82.5 years and for a man 76.5 years, you will see that a woman spends 376 days of her life in the toilet! And though the figure is not so high for men, it is still 291 days!

And many of these days are not spent in the privacy of our own bathrooms, but in other toilets, for example in hotels, restaurants, stations or airports. And though most people are familiar with the saying that the washrooms say a lot about a company, the message doesn’t seem to have sunk in, and not only with the railway companies. I estimate that at least 50 per cent of public toilets are in a revolting state. The graffiti and the damage to the walls left behind by previous visitors are a telling reflection on the state of our society. I find it particularly surprising that no bright spark has seized the opportunity to beat the vandals to it and use the walls for advertising purposes. A study carried out by the University of Applied Science in Bielefeld showed that 72 per cent of the people interviewed would find advertising in public toilets a welcome diversion. And it is an established fact that 12 per cent of people read on the toilet.

The following examples illustrate that using a public toilet can indeed be a positive experience!

Amazingly good!

There are an increasing number of companies who specialize in running public toilets. For just 1 euro, you get a freshly cleaned toilet seat, can freshen up or even take a shower. There are baby’s changing tables, and the toilets are taken care of by a friendly attendant in a clean uniform.

In one airport hotel, I found that the toilet doors were marked Economy Class, Business Class and First Class. Of course, I looked into all three toilets, and they all seemed identical... except for the toilet paper, which was single-layer in the Economy Class, double-layer in the Business Class and triplelayer in the First Class toilet. The guests found this witty idea quite amusing.

In a New York restaurant, I found a designer toilet with urinals built of TV screens behind a pane of glass. An impressive way for the man of the world to express his opinion of current TV programmes.

In another restaurant toilet, guests stand with their feet under a marble cover in front of the urinals. On this cover are the words ‘Keep your shoes clean!’ Male guests found this idea, too, very innovative.

An amusing anecdote: a travel agency in Southern Germany received a letter from a male customer complaining about the toilets in his hotel. The letter read: ‘When I sat on the toilet, my genitals were immersed in the water.’ The travel agency wrote back to the customer: ‘We tried these toilets ourselves, but were unable to immerse our genitals in the water. Please contact the Guinness Book of Records.’