Please hold the line

My last mobile phone bill was alarmingly high, so I decided to ask my provider to send me a so-called itemized bill. Quite a simple request – at least that’s what I thought until I dialled the freefone number. I was just about to state my name and the purpose of my call when I realized that the friendly voice on the other end of the line was a recorded message. ‘Hello, Yellow Sunstar here. If you would like to select a different language, please press 1. If you would like to learn more about our current special offers, please press 2. If you would like to register as a new customer, please press 3. If you have an inquiry concerning your bill, please press 4. If you would like to learn more about our services, please press 5.’

I now know what options I have, but I can’t remember what key to press for what, so there’s nothing for it. I have to dial 0800 all over again. ‘Hello, Yellow Sunstar here. If you would like…’ and so on and so forth. This time, I make a mental note of the key I need – number 4 – press it expectantly and toottoottoottoot – I have been disconnected. Would you believe it? But I’m not about to give in that easily.

I dial 0800. ‘Hello, Yellow Sunstar here. If you…’. I press 4 immediately so I don’t have hear the whole spiel again, and hey presto, a click tells me that this time, I am being put through. The phone rings twice, and then a recording of the song ‘Time to say goodbye’ in an instrumental version starts to play. This emotional and melancholy interlude is interrupted by a recorded voice saying, ‘Please hold the line.’ The first melody is followed by ‘Strangers in the night’, and then, at last, someone on the other end picks up the phone. ‘Yellow Sunstar, good morning. My name is Susanne Eisner. How may I help you?’

Yippee! Number 4 lives! I think to myself, and inform Ms Eisner that I would like an itemized bill. ‘I’m sorry,’ she says, ‘I’ll have to put you through to a colleague.’ I just have time to recognize the last few bars of ‘Strangers in the night’, then a voice on the other end of the line says, ‘Yellow Sunstar. Good morning. My name is Lars Johannson. How may I help you?’ Once again, I briefly state my request. ‘Is the mobile phone registered to you personally or to your company, sir?’ the man with the cool voice from the far north of Europe inquires. ‘It’s a company phone.’ ‘Then I’m afraid I’m going to have to hand you over to a colleague. Company accounts are handled by a different department – one moment, please.’

I can’t believe my ears. This time, however, there is no musical interlude, and another voice answers immediately: ‘Yellow Sunstar. Good morning. My name is Jutta Kleinschmid. How may I help you?’ Exactly the same wording yet again. They certainly believe in quality management at Yellow Sunstar – or has an industry standard been created for telephone calls? I pull myself together and, for the third time, explain that all I want is a teensy-weensy itemized bill. By this time, I am seething inside and have trouble stopping my voice trembling with anger. ‘What’s the postal code for your company’s address?’ Ms Kleinschmid asks. I answer ‘66045’ meekly, and Jutta labours away at her keyboard. ‘Mr Kinderman? Ms Müller is the person to handle your request. Your company is in her area,’ she says and asks me to wait a moment. Unfortunately, my patience is running out by now. I am scribbling nervously with my pencil on my notepad. I have already noted four different names on it, and all the smileys I doodled while listening to ‘Time to say goodbye’ have now got horns and the corners of their mouths are firmly turned down.

’Yellow Sunstar. Good morning. My name is Daniela Müller. How may I help you?’ ‘You can save my life by preventing me having a heart attack!’ I answer. I hear a surprised ‘Sorry?’ ‘It’s ok,’ I say, state the name of my company and my simple request for that little list of calls made, in the hope of hearing, at long last, the words: ‘Certainly, sir!’ And the miracle actually happens! After almost a quarter of an hour spent being passed from one department to another, I can finally expect to receive an itemized bill by mail within the next 10 days – for a charge of 10 euros. ‘Time to say goodbye,’ I tell Frau Müller, who reacts with a startled ‘Pardon me?’ ‘Nothing,’ I reply, put down the phone and collapse onto my office chair.

Amazingly good!

Only once has a call centre employee managed to impress me, and she was working for a bank. Right at the beginning of our conversation, she told me: ‘I will be your contact person from now on. Later today, you will receive an e-mail from me with my name, my extension number and details of times when I can be reached, so that you can contact me more easily. The list also includes the name and number of the person who takes over from me when I go on holiday.’