Make yourself at home

Make yourself at home, it says on the front of the hotel brochure I am skimming through, balancing it on my knees between my palmtop and my briefcase on the worn back seat of a taxi. We are all cosmopolitan nowadays. Far from being pure luxury, it’s a necessary evil for many businesspeople. The great thing about travelling, you might think, is that you get to see something new. Then where on earth did they get the idea that I want everything in my hotel to be just like it is at home?

An almost smiling receptionist, who, as far as I can see, consists of just a head and an upper torso, greets me from behind the desk. The sign in front of her ‘Inge – Front Office Assistant’ tells me her first name, but somehow I haven’t the courage to address her by it. Elegantly sliding the registration form across the counter towards me, she asks me whether I found my way to the hotel all right. What a question! Make yourself at home, it says on the sign next to the lift. Personally, I never welcome guests to my home from behind a desk, nor do I expect them to fill out a registration form the minute they come through the door. As a host, I would never be so impersonal. ‘Please follow me,’ says Inge as we step out of the lift on the third floor. I travel a lot, and in eight hotels out of ten I am welcomed and shown to my room by a receptionist in this same stereotyped manner. I am just wondering whether Inge is going to be an exception, but no. She, too, shows me where the minibar is. Even worse, she shows me where the bathroom is. Do I look such an idiot in my suit and with my briefcase that she thinks I won’t be able to find the minibar and the bathroom in this tiny, 20-square-metre room? For the umpteenth time, I am subjected to this humiliating ritual. And she hasn’t finished yet. She also draws the fruit bowl and the bottle of mineral water to my attention, both generously included in the price of the room. ‘I hope you have a pleasant stay,’ says Inge, now sounding slightly stressed, while her bleeper alerts her to the arrival of another guest.

Before I go to sleep, I want to make some notes and decide to do so in the comfort of the bed. As I get in, I see the chocolate heart that has been placed on the pillow. What a pity I’ve just cleaned my teeth.

I could have written my notes on the desk, of course, but unfortunately, the hotel team has decided to use it as a display area for menus, a selection of brochures, a bottle opener, an ashtray, etc. One glance at the contents of the drawer reveals that the Bible remains untouched by anyone except the person who placed it there, a relic of times long past and a pitiful sign of a lack of innovation on the part of the hotel management. Make yourself at home, I think as I fall asleep. What is wrong with the tourist trade? Has no one ever thought of seeing things from the point of view of the customer and trying to inject a little customer-orientation into the proceedings? Innovation sounds good as long as you’re not expected to practise it.

Amazingly good!

A hotel in Sydney asks its guests when they check in: ‘Would you like a goldfish in your room?’ Guests can choose a fish at the reception desk and have it placed in their room in an aquarium.

The ‘March of the Ducks’ has become the hallmark of a hotel in Orlando, Florida. Twice a day, the ducks march along a red carpet from the hotel fountain through the reception area and back. Ducks have played a historical role here for decades and are ‘sacred’ animals. You can find them as a motif all over the hotel, from the duck-shaped pats of butter on the dining table to the soap in your room. And it goes without saying that you won’t find duck anywhere on the menu.

At a hotel in the canton of Ticino in Switzerland, guests check in not at a counter, but sitting on comfy armchairs and sofas. The receptionist first offers them a drink and then takes care of the formalities. And the guests are not expected to fill out the registration form themselves. The receptionist does it for them. A far more pleasant way to start your stay in a hotel.

Instead of the usual Bible, a hotel in Zurich places a book with the intriguing title, Are You Good in Bed? in its rooms. It is so popular that guests often ask to buy copies! A hotel in England had an idea to make dogs feel welcome. On arrival, your four-footed companion receives a gift package including a squeaky toy and dog biscuits. The hotel also has a dog bowl with your dog’s name on it, a woven dog basket with a pocket for bones and a metal nameplate with the logo of the hotel. The hotel also provides a map of the surroundings with ideas for interesting walks. And of course, all hotel employees address your dog by name.