Dealing with Unearned Praise

Everyone likes getting praise, right? Everyone feels good when they are complimented, yes? Isn't that what thousands of managers want to learn to motivate people better and achieve increased productivity, correct?

Well, not always. Sure, most of the times these principles apply. But sometimes, if you feel you are getting unearned praised, you might not feel satisfied and motivated. In fact, you might feel unworthy, even suspicious about why someone is praising you for something you think you don't deserve. You might wonder if they have a hidden agenda.

Those kinds of issues came up when one woman, we'll call her Tanya, wrote to me asking: "What would you call receiving praise for something that you yourself thought to be just an ordinary, routine job, but someone else said was an exemplary performance?" She wrote to me because a woman she worked with on a project had praised her enthusiastically for some work she had turned in, but Tanya considered the work not to be very good, and she wasn't sure how to respond.

What Should Tanya Do?

Here are some possibilities. In Tanya's place, what would you do and why? And what do you think the outcomes of these different options would be?

• Enjoy the praise. Even if you think you didn't deserve it, someone else does.

• Think about how the other person praised you, to decide if he or she really meant it, were just trying to be nice, or had other motives, and if so what. Then act based on what you think, though check out your suspicions before you act.

• Ask the person praising you to be more specific about what the praise is for to know better if he or she means it or is just saying it.

• If you think someone else really deserves the praise, tell the person praising you about what the other person has done; you can never go wrong honestly praising someone else.

• Don't take any praise too seriously. Treat it as just another everyday conversation, and keep doing what you do well, so you're doing a good job whether praised or not.

• Consider what to do better in the future, if you really think you did a lousy job, but the other person didn't realize this or is just praising you for other reasons.

• Other?

So what should she do? What should you do in a similar situation? As I replied to Tanya, I thought the first step was to assess her own perception of the activity and the other person's comment with a reality check. This way Tanya would have some basis for assessing her own perception and the other person's reaction in a more grounded, realistic way.

How do you get such a reality check? One way might be to review the requirements and expectations for the job. Another might be to get feedback from an independent party, perhaps even an expert in the field, to get an informed opinion of the quality of the work that was done. From this review, you might better understand the true merits of what you did.

You might even find out you did a better job than you realize. If so, consider whether you aren't giving yourself the proper credit for a good performance. Or perhaps you are holding too high expectations for yourself, so you think something isn't very good, when it really is. In this case, the praise is justified, and your perception of your performance is incorrect. Alternatively, if you really didn't do a good job and the other person is praising you to be supportive, for other reasons, or really didn't notice your poor work, consider how to do a better job in the future. Then, you'll really earn and deserve the praise you receive.

Another way to look at the issue of possibly unearned praise is to see whether you and the other person have different expectations or definitions of the performance and the outcome. For instance, if you think you should be doing an in-depth six-page analysis, you feel your brief interpretation is very superficial, while the other person only wants a two-page overview, and so thinks your longer assessment is really very good. In such a case, you both maybe correct in your assessment, based on what you each thought the job was supposed to be. But you both have a communication problem, leading you to think you haven't lived up to expectations, while the other person thinks you have.

Alternatively, if you know you really have done a terrible job, and you believe that the other person probably knows this, you are dealing with insincere praise, which raises other questions about why it's given. For instance, the other person might be falsely praising you to keep you motivated or make you feel good. Or it maybe the other person just wants to be liked by you out of a need for belonging or desire for friendship. In still other cases, you could be dealing with a hidden agenda, where someone is trying to flatter you falsely to get you to do something you don't want to do for them. Or maybe the person is so used to giving out praise whenever something is completed that he isn't sufficiently critical of the results.

Whatever the reason for this praise you don't think you deserve, it's important to figure out where it came from to help guide how you react. As an example, say the other person just wants to make you feel good or wants to be liked by you—then, no big deal. Perhaps just view the praise as an act of support or friendship, even if it's not merited; then acknowledge it and move on. By contrast, if you see this as insincere flattery by someone trying to manipulate you to do something you feel uncomfortable doing, then recognize the insincerity as a warning wake-up sign, and perhaps try to reduce your time working or interacting with that person. (Apart from thinking about how to deal with the person who has given you this questionable praise, consider what to do to improve so you will truly merit the praise you receive in the future.)

In short, there could be many different meanings of what has happened depending on the circumstances and the people involved. Start with a reality check to figure out the true quality of what you did. Then consider what this unearned praise really means to help you decide how to react in that situation. Look at how to do a better job if you really didn't perform up to par, regardless of how the other person intended the praise.

Conclusion

• Not sure whether you deserve the praise or not? Try a reality check to find out.

• Is someone giving you unearned praise? Maybe a hidden cost comes with it.

• If you're really sure the praise is unearned, ask if the other person knows this, and if so, why?

• Consider any unearned praise like a warning sign announcing that it's time to improve in the future, so you'll truly earn the praise you get